Since I'm sure that all two of you who read my blog are dying to know...the rest of the story about our trip to Galveston has to do with the "beach house" where we stayed. Let's just say we were the victim of some false advertising.
When the website says "view of the beach", it fails to mention that you have to climb up through the third floor attic and onto a rickety rooftop deck to see it. Do you think the term "fully furnished" should include a futon supported by paint cans, a set of mattresses sitting on the floor, or a sectional that was likely retrieved from someone's curb on bulky collection day? Here's a good one...since when does "fenced in wraparound side yard" mean "strip of overgrown grass littered with trash barely big enough for the family Yorkie to go poop?"
Here's a quote from the website: "We are NOT a Stuffy Bed and Breakfast or Sterile Condo, Hotel or Beach rental!!!! We Are a 130 year old home with 3 stories plus the rooftop patio. We are NOT perfect - It's like going to GRANDMA'S HOUSE." Hmmmm. Let's analyze this. It definitely wasn't stuffy or sterile. I wasn't worried about the kids touching things they weren't supposed to other than that they could contract a disease or parasite from it. It was built in 1870 alright and incorporated the worst home decorating elements from every decade in between. It was surely the opposite of perfect. And it may have been like your Grandma's house if you're Ted Bundy or Charles Manson perhaps.
You know that show "What Not the Wear" where they take secret footage of a person and then do a surprise ambush and give them a makeover? I kept thinking we were on a new show called "Where Not to Stay" and there were hidden cameras in the house capturing our reactions. This one house could provide a whole season's worth of material for several shows on HGTV: World's Worst Kitchen, Save My Bath, Mission Impossible, Clean Sweep, If Walls Could Talk, and Desparate Spaces to name a few. And here's an idea for a new show: Get a Dumpster and Fill It Up. Seriously, this house makes you want to clean even though you're on vacation. I heard that Jackie was actually searching the place for Windex the day before we got there. There are an average of 15 mirrors in each room, so had she found the Windex she would've been busy for awhile.
Here are a few choice pictures of the house...
There was a weird awning, rooflike thing in the kitchen and also over the front door. And yes, those are Christmas decorations.
Part of the kitchen.
There were more fake plants than you could count each with a thick layer of dust.
Here are the real plants.
There were a lot of Renuzits all over the house. I'm convinced that only very strong commercial grade chemical cleaning products will fix the stink, though. Sorry Healthy Child Healthy World.
This may seem like a fun and quirky accessory, but it really wasn't.
A stormy seas mural...painted with glow in the dark paint.
Ummm...speechless.
The "stairs" leading to the attic "bedrooms" had five types of "siding" in one square foot area.
One person's Shabby Chic is another person's Nasty Ick.
We all had a really good time last weekend despite the issues with the house. It was actually pretty funny and created a lot of memories. Mat's Aunt Charlotte laughed all the way up to the rooftop deck as she got the tour, and everyone had a lot of funny things to say about the place.
Top Ten Quotes from the weekend:
10. Beth: What are you going to do this week when you get home? Jackie: Disinfect.
9. I think I'm getting a respiratory infection.
8. If only there was a mirror in here.
7. The potty is all squishy. (Jackson upon discovering the soft toilet seat.)
6. Why is there a TV Guide with Paul Reiser prominently displayed in the bathroom? (Mad About You issue - circa 1997)
5. At least there aren't any roaches...oh wait, nevermind.
4. Yeah right...this place is only like a visit to Grandma's if she's been dead for a few weeks.
3. "Pulled Pork" Carter was a Sour Kraut. (This one is an inside joke.)
2. Uncle Mat, why is the hot tub in the garage?
And the number one quote from the weekend in Galveston is....
1. You get used to the smell eventually.
Yes, there was a hot tub. No, I did not get in it. But I will leave you with the pièce de résistance. This video pretty much sums the place up in a nutshell.
